Father Slusser - I have one question, open to all herein, but I mention you at the outset to say that my question suggests no disrespect for your decisions regarding your parents.
It seemed very appropriate to me that Father Scalia would preach and preside at the funeral for his father, indeed, it seems appropriate if a close family member is a member of the clergy to ash him/her to be part of the funeral. My question: How open should a pastor be to accede to the wishes of a family (or a clergy person) to preach and/or preside at the funeral of a member? As the circle of relationships widen, e.g., friends or some type of collegial relationship, there's a sense of going out to dinner and bringing one's own chef. Full disclosure, a number of years ago the daughter of a friend/fellow parishioner died. While the family was active in the congregation and long-time members, they were not particularly supportive of the pastor and, thus, they invited two pastors from other parishes to the funeral - one to preach and one to preside.. I thought it very gracious of the parish pastor to accede to the wishes of the family. I was, however, a bit uncomfortable with it all - if not a little sympathetic to the pastor who, while not having any role in the funeral, would be the one left to give to this family the pastoral care they would need in the days to come.
That last concern was not present with my mother's funeral. No one in the family even lived in Minnesota! Mother had been in a nursing home the last couple of years of her life, and I had arranged with the pastor of the parish I had last served before going out to Pittsburgh to teach that when she died, she could be buried from that parish. It had been 15 years since she had attended the parish she belonged briefly to before she and dad had moved to Tennessee. The pastor at neither parish knew her. I asked a priest in the archdiocese who was very close to dad and her, had been in their house countless times, and who had traveled in Europe with them and me, to preside and preach. He did beautifully.
My family who could attend from Philadelphia, Knoxville, Monterey CA and Midland MI hardly knew me in my capacity as a priest, and had differing degrees of comfort with the church; in addition, although, among the parishioners at the parish I had been pastor of eight years previous, I had and still have many of my dearest friends, there were certain points of strain that I wanted to avoid rekindling. So I declared my solidarity with my brothers and sisters and sat with them.
My dad's death, on the other hand, was sudden as they were traveling in England. I was the only family member besides my mother, the Catholic church was closed for repairs, and they were using the chapel of a Catholic girls' school. That's where we celebrated the funeral Mass, with at most a couple of dozen English friends and fellow students in attendance.
Sometimes the pastor/deceased relationship is a ways down the list of considerations, and should be.
Peace,
Michael